Just A Smile Away

I am extreeeeeeeemely sensitive. I have come to realize that this is one of my biggest strengths... AND biggest weaknesses. I feel as though am I easily able to empathize and sympathize with situations and people. This has happened numerous times where I will listen to a story and tear up without knowing the person, and don't get me started on watching TV or movies. I am a literal basket-case which is embarrassing. This is a constant source of Andrew's teasing. I am under the impression that I've always been this way since my mom has told me stories about how when I was in kindergarten I would come home and cry myself to sleep nearly everyday in her lap because two particular girls didn't like me and would never be my friend. I must confess that I don't remember this and have probably blocked it for some reason.

While being sensitive has made it very easy to relate with people it has also held me back which is incredibly frustrating for someone who has goals. I am terrified of people being upset with me. If someone gets mad at me I will almost 100% of the time cry no matter how much I fight it. For someone who already has to deal with the fact that she looks younger than she is, adding tears to that only serves to further hinder my ability to be taken seriously. Even better, I am unable to be stern with others because I know how it would make me feel if I was in their shoes. It's that whole treat others how you would like to be treated. That darn Golden Rule. Do you see what I mean? How can I ever be someone's boss if I'm incapable of being stern when needed? And dealing with irate customers? Forget it!

That's why I am better suited to dealing with children, yet at the end of the day I'm still going to have to deal with parents (i.e. adults). I either need a Poker Face or to somehow learn how to Brush My Shoulders Off... sigh.

Everything Changes

I have always been of the belief that it is better to listen than to talk.

I still have the same beliefs, it's just that unfortunately I don't adhere as well to them as I once did. I talk... a lot. Too much. I hear myself sometimes and want to tell myself to just shut up, but I don't. The word garbage continues to pour forth. I've been trying to figure out if all of the talking is because I held too much in for too long or if it's because I've just become a total brat? I'm starting to believe it's a combination of both. The really awful thing about it all is that now I've started to stay rude but true things out loud. I've always thought the things I have, but I was smart enough to keep them to myself. Ultimately what would be best is if I didn't have rude thoughts at all but I've been battling that for years and had no success. All of a sudden people are looking at me like wow I thought you were a nice girl but you are really rude. It makes me sad. I've got to find a way to zip my lips. I think what's happened is that from working I've seen how rude people can be and it has caused me to feel less kind myself. The incessant rambling even continues in my blogs. Eww.

More exciting news (for me, not really you) is that Courtney asked me and Sam to be her bridesmaids today! It was super surprising and really exciting! I'm going to keep it to myself until Michael asks Andrew to be one of his groomsmen. I love weddings! =)

In A Nutshell

The current "me" in 10 items or less:

1. Andrew has developed a recent habit of snoring like crazy which for me makes sleepless nights and grumpy days.
2. Tonight I get to see Legally Blonde with about 20 other ladies and cannot wait!
3. Also exciting is that Wednesday I will be taking a half day at work so that I can get my hair cut and colored. Finally!
4. I'm in another one of my moods where I don't think any of my friends like me or want to hang out with me.
5. For a while now every night before I go to bed I watch seasons of Sex & the City and keep a tally of how many men each women sleeps with a) because it keeps me awake and b) because it's entertaining.
6. I'm reading Confessions of a Shopaholic (I can't wait for the movie) and am slightly disgusted by the main characters complete lack of control, but am hoping she improves.
7. I saw the movie Defiance on Sunday and thought it was Amazing! I loooooove Daniel Craig and the story of the 4 brothers was incredible. You should see it!
8. I only watched part of the Super Bowl. I was tired and uninterested. I really wanted the Cardinals to win but my boss is the biggest Steelers fan ever and had they lost it would have been a really really terrible day on Monday.
   

It's Going To Be Okay, Just Dance

I was hoping the next post from me would be uplifting and positive, but today is just crummy!

It's a combination of several things which don't bear detailing, just know that today is not as good as I anticipated it being when I woke up this morning. Don't you hate when that happens? You play out our your day how you want it to go but instead the reality ends up being far more screwed up and in the end you don't know where it went all wrong. If I was home right now I would turn up music real loud and just dance it out Meredith Grey style and all the while Tessa would jump around which would in turn make me start giggling because the sight is just too funny to resist. And in minutes I would feel better about everything! Instead... I am stuck to my desk at work for at least another hour. Oh the injustice!

To change the subject I saw Bride Wars last night and I don't know what all of the negative hoopla is about. It's exactly what I expect a Kate Hudson movie to be, funny and cute. All the more so because Anne Hathaway is in it and because the premise is that best friends make it through everything even when it seems like they can't. Which only makes me long more for those types of friendships. Kate and Anne, or even all of the ladies from Sex & the City. I WANT what they have though they may be characters in a screenplay. I know that type of friendship exists because art imitates life and vice versa. Someday it'll be mine, first, I just need to stop wanting it so badly. Surely I am capable and deserving of such a thing... right? Right?

Knowing how finicky I am I probably won't make it back here before the inauguration, so just in case I really don't; don't forget to watch Barack take office on Tuesday! It's going to be one moment in history that you don't want to miss! Really!

New Year New Something

I have never exactly been into the whole huge New Year celebration. As a kid getting to stay up that late was fun, especially when having a sleep-over. However I'm now at the stage where you're expected to dress up, go downtown and spend lots of money on senseless drinks just to stay up too late and in the end not really remember much of what happened during the night. I'm just not into that kind of culture. I would rather go out to eat, and out to a late movie, or have a game night to ring in the new year. Don't get me wrong, I love having the day off from work; but in general I could care less which would probably explain why I was in bed, asleep before the countdown began.

Having said all of that I do enjoy the opportunity to close one door and open another. The opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. That's silly to say that because there's an opportunity to change each day, but you know what I mean.

I don't really believe in the whole making New Year's Resolutions. I think it's just another money-making opportunity that was created and is especially good for all of the gyms around the country. Ninety percent of the time people don't keep their resolutions and know ahead of time they aren't going to keep them. So my question, why bother making them in the first place? Why not instead make resolutions that you can achieve, like promising to laugh more or making the resolution to have one "me" night a week where you do something you completely enjoy like reading. Aren't those more realistic and achievable resolutions?

Being the 4th day of January I still haven't figured out what my goals are for the year but when I figure them out I'll be sure to let you know.

In the meantime, Happy New Year!

M.I.A.

The new year is just hours away, so what better time than now to wrap up the last few weeks of the year?

This has been an incredibly busy but wonderful time.

Andrew has been over-loaded with overtime so I haven't gotten to spend as much time with him as I would have hoped. It's been a lot of girl time for me and Tessa.

The move into the new apartment was a good one. I had no idea we had as much stuff as we do until I tried packing it all. Not fun. But worth it now that we're in the new place. It's wonderful. It actually feels like a home. David (Andrew's brother) was a big help in addition to the movers since I'm essentially useless when it comes to that stuff. It worked well though because as stuff was brought in I was able to unpack it. Andrew's parents even came over and helped us get things settled. They really are too good to us. The only really un-fun part was going back to the old apartment so that I could clean it up. I spent a good 5 or 6 hours cleaning; my sister even came over and helped which was a nice surprise. Of course I had to bribe her, but if she hadn't taken the bait then I wouldn't have been able to get everything clean in time.

The Christmas decorating was enjoyable but not as fun as I had imagined it to be. I thought Andrew would get excited about it, but really all he did was take the tree out of the box and then sat down to watch TV while I decorated. At least the tree came out looking good! I even decorated cookies this year! Sam was a good sport about it, Andrew not so much. It was a lot of fun even though at the time we were ridiculously tired.

Christmas Eve was spent with Andrew's family. It was very intimate and relaxing. Christmas was spent with my family who tend to be louder and while not as relaxing definitely still fun. We played games and I LOVE games! In fact I got another one for Christmas that we ended up playing that night after a sort of spontaneous game night was planned. We went and saw Valkyrie that afternoon, and while not an uplifting film, it was definitely a well done one. World War II is fascinating to me, especially the Holocaust. I was obsessed with it when growing up so I had to see it. After watching clips of Hitler from real-life and then seeing Valkyrie I cannot for the life of me understand how a whole country followed Hitler. But after having a discussion with David about it he pointed out that it wasn't as though Hitler sprung out of nowhere, he had been rising up in politics since the '20s and '30s. He gave people someone to blame, to hate. I would like to think that should something like that happen again that people wouldn't follow so blindly, but I don't know, and that's scary. Do we ever really learn from our past, from past mistakes?

Sort of on that same topic, I got an email today from my dad, and then he called me about it. Let me begin with some background history. Erin lived across the street from me and she was the coolest person I had ever met. I met her right before I began 6th grade and for her 8th grade. She was so funny, so smart, so creative; so effortlessly cool. For those who were too wound up in who was dating who and what everyone was wearing they might not have seen the beauty in her, but I did. I worshiped her like a bigger and cooler sister. She's the one who got me interested in journalism in the first place. Fast forwarding a bit she graduated from high school and went on to college, to be precise the architectural school at Rice University. They only accept about 20 people into that school each year; just an indication of how talented she was. On the night of May 10th she went out to get some ice cream with friends in celebration of their first year of college. She never ended up making it home because on the drive she was struck by a drunk driver in a truck and killed instantly and severely injuring 3 passengers. On the morning of May 11th I was naively and happily enjoying myself at a NHS car wash when my mom pulled up in her car not looking too happy. I thought I had done something wrong, instead she was there to tell me something that would rip the veil of innocence from my eyes for forever. Erin and I didn't call each other and chat, she was at college, I was in high school. But that didn't matter. It never mattered. I could see her and it was as though no time had passed. I miss her. For most of the next year I was incredibly depressed, guilty for being alive when someone far more brilliant and wonderful than I was gone. I tended not to let others see that side of me but instead cried in my room, in my car where no one could see. It was easier when I knew that the man who killed Erin (a DWI repeat) was going to jail for 13 years.

The email I received today from my dad was an email that Erin's parents sent out letting people know that the man was up for parole earlier than they had been told. It's only been 6 years and they were asking us to send emails to the Parole Review Board to not let the man out early. I have until Saturday to compose my heart and thoughts into something intelligible. My heart aches right now and I have to wonder; did this man learn from his mistakes, his selfishness? I believe in forgiveness, I have to. If I can't forgive then how can I expect the Lord to forgive me? Regardless of forgiveness, this man has to pay for his mistake, and that means the full consequence. I miss Erin. The little bit of light she shined on me made me a better person, that I do know.

It's Not All About Aptitude

My last post was rather mopey sounding coming from me. I was just having one of those kinds of days I guess. Unfortunately it has extended somewhat through my weekend but I will try for a more upbeat tone today.

I love Christmas time. For as long as I can remember Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. My first really clear memory of Christmas was probably when I was 4 or 5. My parents had closed my door that night when I went to bed, but I was so excited that Santa was coming that I couldn't sleep (this became a habit that lasted until recently). I got up out of bed to see if He had come, but it was pitch black in my room (not a good thing) and I fell over the toy fire truck I had on the floor. Who even knows why I had a fire truck. I got to the door but suddenly I couldn't open it. I thought my parents had locked me in my room and started panicking and crying. I admit not a great story, but marked the beginning of one of my nasty Christmas habits of getting up in the middle of the night repeatedly to see if Santa had brought our gifts yet so that I could get a sneak peak in the dark.

Since then I have grown up somewhat, mostly only because Santa doesn't deliver my presents in the middle of the night any longer which has caused me to be less inclined to get up in the middle of the night... Other bad habits that I had were looking for presents all over the house (luckily I never found any), and shaking all of my presents that were under the tree in an effort to figure them out ahead of time. That particular habit drove my mom crazy so much so that many years ago she started simply numbering all of the presents rather than put a name on them, and come Christmas morning she would pull out her master list and let us know whose was whose. Yep, I'm one of those people.

Past memories aside, I love Christmas and am even more excited this year to celebrate Christmas. My first "big-girl" Christmas! I have my very own tree and decorations, my own home, and the opportunity to start new traditions with Andrew. Very exciting! I have almost all of the gifts bought on my list, and am ready to get all of the decorations set up. It's going to be a GREAT Christmas! If only this move of ours would hurry up so that I might get to all of the decorating. =) Other reasons I love Christmas? The memories of helping my mom bake every Christmas, the cookie decorating, the Christmas carols sung at church on Christmas eve, the gift exchanges with friends, the ability to help others, the reading of the Christmas story and just the ability to thank the Lord for what he has done for me and those around me. Life is good, God is good, and I hope that everyone's Christmas is a bright one spent with family and friends.