In It To Win It

If you could have it all, what would you want?

Why I even bothered to ponder this I have no idea since it is highly unlikely that I'll come into unseen amounts of money or ever be anyone who has the power to lead millions. Nonetheless it was an interesting question because I guess it's a question that leads you to identify those things or people that matter most in your life.

First and foremost I would want the ability to better express the love and grace that God has for all of us to those around me. I rarely talk about my spiritual beliefs because like most of those around me I too do not want to be condemned for what I believe. At times those this is incredibly frustrating because if people only knew how much they were loved they wouldn't be scared or fearful when events like a tough economy are going on around them.

I would also want to have self-confidence. Somewhere along the way I lost mine and am forever trying to find ways to rebuild that which once existed. I think I am capable of doing many great things but thinking I am and ever being able to do those great things because you think you don't matter are completely different thoughts.

I would like to be assured of always having enough funds so that I can live comfortably as well as tithe to my church and give to those organizations that I believe make significant differences. I think that if people didn't have to worry about money that more inventions, cures and good acts would take place.

I would travel the world.

I would like to have five really, really, really good friends. I'm talking kindred spirits who love you completely and totally for who you are. I'm talking about emotionally stable, caring, fun-loving, non-judgmental friends who you grow old with. You're always honest with one another because you know that at the end of the day you're always going to be there for one another, and that those things said are only there to make your life better.

I would have children with Andrew, and grow old together knowing that we're best friends.

What would you want?

Don't Think I Don't Think About It

Recently exciting news: Andrew and I had a date night on Thursday at the Melting Pot, yum!! AND I now own my very first pair of cowboy boots!!

I loooooove the Melting Pot, and Andrew is now likewise obsessed ever since he realized that fondue is simply melted cheese. The other really great part of having a date at the Melting Pot is that it's a 2 hour meal generally so that leaves lots of time for conversation.

As for the boots I finally feel like a real Texan now! I realize I've always been a Texan but the boots solidify my status. Buying boots could easily become an addiction if I let it. Walking into the store, smelling all that leather, seeing the walls covered in boots. A girl can't help but love it!

I'm itching to go to the rodeo so I'm hoping this will confuse Andrew that we should go. I realize this might sound strange coming from me but I LOVE the rodeo! One of my few childhood memories is being 4 or 5 and standing in the rodeo ring in Dallas with a bunch of other kids as we all chased after a calf. The entire environment is exciting, the cowboys are incredible (to look at), and the food is terrible but wonderful (hello funnel cakes), it's exciting; it's life! Perhaps the part I most admire about the entire rodeo is that you know the cowboys and cowgirls are completely present in the moment. They have to be in order to win, to survive.

How many of us can be honest and say we live our life in the moment, in the present, day in and day out? I can't. I'm ridiculously bad about having my mind somewhere completely different than where I'm standing or sitting. We miss out, I miss out, on things when live is lived that way.

Just A Smile Away

I am extreeeeeeeemely sensitive. I have come to realize that this is one of my biggest strengths... AND biggest weaknesses. I feel as though am I easily able to empathize and sympathize with situations and people. This has happened numerous times where I will listen to a story and tear up without knowing the person, and don't get me started on watching TV or movies. I am a literal basket-case which is embarrassing. This is a constant source of Andrew's teasing. I am under the impression that I've always been this way since my mom has told me stories about how when I was in kindergarten I would come home and cry myself to sleep nearly everyday in her lap because two particular girls didn't like me and would never be my friend. I must confess that I don't remember this and have probably blocked it for some reason.

While being sensitive has made it very easy to relate with people it has also held me back which is incredibly frustrating for someone who has goals. I am terrified of people being upset with me. If someone gets mad at me I will almost 100% of the time cry no matter how much I fight it. For someone who already has to deal with the fact that she looks younger than she is, adding tears to that only serves to further hinder my ability to be taken seriously. Even better, I am unable to be stern with others because I know how it would make me feel if I was in their shoes. It's that whole treat others how you would like to be treated. That darn Golden Rule. Do you see what I mean? How can I ever be someone's boss if I'm incapable of being stern when needed? And dealing with irate customers? Forget it!

That's why I am better suited to dealing with children, yet at the end of the day I'm still going to have to deal with parents (i.e. adults). I either need a Poker Face or to somehow learn how to Brush My Shoulders Off... sigh.

Everything Changes

I have always been of the belief that it is better to listen than to talk.

I still have the same beliefs, it's just that unfortunately I don't adhere as well to them as I once did. I talk... a lot. Too much. I hear myself sometimes and want to tell myself to just shut up, but I don't. The word garbage continues to pour forth. I've been trying to figure out if all of the talking is because I held too much in for too long or if it's because I've just become a total brat? I'm starting to believe it's a combination of both. The really awful thing about it all is that now I've started to stay rude but true things out loud. I've always thought the things I have, but I was smart enough to keep them to myself. Ultimately what would be best is if I didn't have rude thoughts at all but I've been battling that for years and had no success. All of a sudden people are looking at me like wow I thought you were a nice girl but you are really rude. It makes me sad. I've got to find a way to zip my lips. I think what's happened is that from working I've seen how rude people can be and it has caused me to feel less kind myself. The incessant rambling even continues in my blogs. Eww.

More exciting news (for me, not really you) is that Courtney asked me and Sam to be her bridesmaids today! It was super surprising and really exciting! I'm going to keep it to myself until Michael asks Andrew to be one of his groomsmen. I love weddings! =)

In A Nutshell

The current "me" in 10 items or less:

1. Andrew has developed a recent habit of snoring like crazy which for me makes sleepless nights and grumpy days.
2. Tonight I get to see Legally Blonde with about 20 other ladies and cannot wait!
3. Also exciting is that Wednesday I will be taking a half day at work so that I can get my hair cut and colored. Finally!
4. I'm in another one of my moods where I don't think any of my friends like me or want to hang out with me.
5. For a while now every night before I go to bed I watch seasons of Sex & the City and keep a tally of how many men each women sleeps with a) because it keeps me awake and b) because it's entertaining.
6. I'm reading Confessions of a Shopaholic (I can't wait for the movie) and am slightly disgusted by the main characters complete lack of control, but am hoping she improves.
7. I saw the movie Defiance on Sunday and thought it was Amazing! I loooooove Daniel Craig and the story of the 4 brothers was incredible. You should see it!
8. I only watched part of the Super Bowl. I was tired and uninterested. I really wanted the Cardinals to win but my boss is the biggest Steelers fan ever and had they lost it would have been a really really terrible day on Monday.
   

It's Going To Be Okay, Just Dance

I was hoping the next post from me would be uplifting and positive, but today is just crummy!

It's a combination of several things which don't bear detailing, just know that today is not as good as I anticipated it being when I woke up this morning. Don't you hate when that happens? You play out our your day how you want it to go but instead the reality ends up being far more screwed up and in the end you don't know where it went all wrong. If I was home right now I would turn up music real loud and just dance it out Meredith Grey style and all the while Tessa would jump around which would in turn make me start giggling because the sight is just too funny to resist. And in minutes I would feel better about everything! Instead... I am stuck to my desk at work for at least another hour. Oh the injustice!

To change the subject I saw Bride Wars last night and I don't know what all of the negative hoopla is about. It's exactly what I expect a Kate Hudson movie to be, funny and cute. All the more so because Anne Hathaway is in it and because the premise is that best friends make it through everything even when it seems like they can't. Which only makes me long more for those types of friendships. Kate and Anne, or even all of the ladies from Sex & the City. I WANT what they have though they may be characters in a screenplay. I know that type of friendship exists because art imitates life and vice versa. Someday it'll be mine, first, I just need to stop wanting it so badly. Surely I am capable and deserving of such a thing... right? Right?

Knowing how finicky I am I probably won't make it back here before the inauguration, so just in case I really don't; don't forget to watch Barack take office on Tuesday! It's going to be one moment in history that you don't want to miss! Really!

New Year New Something

I have never exactly been into the whole huge New Year celebration. As a kid getting to stay up that late was fun, especially when having a sleep-over. However I'm now at the stage where you're expected to dress up, go downtown and spend lots of money on senseless drinks just to stay up too late and in the end not really remember much of what happened during the night. I'm just not into that kind of culture. I would rather go out to eat, and out to a late movie, or have a game night to ring in the new year. Don't get me wrong, I love having the day off from work; but in general I could care less which would probably explain why I was in bed, asleep before the countdown began.

Having said all of that I do enjoy the opportunity to close one door and open another. The opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. That's silly to say that because there's an opportunity to change each day, but you know what I mean.

I don't really believe in the whole making New Year's Resolutions. I think it's just another money-making opportunity that was created and is especially good for all of the gyms around the country. Ninety percent of the time people don't keep their resolutions and know ahead of time they aren't going to keep them. So my question, why bother making them in the first place? Why not instead make resolutions that you can achieve, like promising to laugh more or making the resolution to have one "me" night a week where you do something you completely enjoy like reading. Aren't those more realistic and achievable resolutions?

Being the 4th day of January I still haven't figured out what my goals are for the year but when I figure them out I'll be sure to let you know.

In the meantime, Happy New Year!